Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 31/05/2010

cold embrace

It is so much easier to be in love with another and be miserable when you cant be with them when there is another person out there that feels the same way. and then there is the feeling of when you realize that you are all alone with those feelings.

” you still think about me? i hardly think about you anymore.” thats a direct quote from her today. if you read it more carefully, you can see exactly when my organs stopped working and my bones liquefied and i turned into a blob and slunk away. what a fool i am.

i have felt so awful for the last two weeks, i could barely make myself do anything. probably the beginning of a depression again, or perhaps this is just a continuance of one i have been denying for months. this should improve things for me. it is odd, i felt so poorly that i didnt even want to drink to make myself feel temporarily better. instead i just lay in bed and feel bad for myself. i thought that if i could talk to her just once, i could set everything straight and we would have a warm embrace and blah blah blah everything is perfect. it didnt quite work out that way.

so she gives me a call so we can meet, just like we have done dozens of times before. why would she want to meet me just so she can crush me? perhaps she feels as badly as i do. perhaps she noticed that i am stuck on her and she needs to end it. or perhaps this whole thing is made up in my head and she doesnt care about me because there was nothing  there to begin with. from the second i saw her, i knew something was wrong. then again what we were doing was wrong so i guess things are finally catching up with me.

im gunna go lie down now, i hope that i dont wake up. no, nothing stupid dont worry , i just dont want to wake up feeling like this.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 15/05/2010

sometimes it rains

the thunder tonight must have been louder than usual, i almost never wake up in the middle of the night for anything. like a robot i flung out my arm to comfort and ex girlfriend who was scared of thunder, but she wasnt there anymore. sleeping alone sucks, and yes, i do actually mean sleeping. sometimes i get all creepy and watch a girl when she sleeps, it is somewhat comforting that somebody can feel so comfortable around me that they can fall asleep.

so i did what i usually do when it rains, i went outside to ponder my life. i just kind of aimlessly walk around my backyard when it rains, i have always done that as far back as i remember. i wonder if my neighbors have ever noticed, it must seem a bit odd. usually people try to avoid getting wet, but i will drive down the street with my window rolled down or with my bedroom window open just so i can feel the rain on my skin.

all i do out there is think, i have had my best (and worst) thoughts on rainy days. i have been avoiding thinking too much lately, hiding under a bottle of anything. it sucks feeling guilty about love. how i can transform a great emotion in to a bad one is beyond me. but i willingly put myself into a relationship that could only fail and have only myself to blame, i guess this i am doomed to be in love with someone in a lasting relationship. then again, how strong is their relationship if she keeps seeing me? i am so confused.

do i feel worse about things than she does? it is hard to talk about guilt with somebody else, plus i dont want to make her feel more miserable that she already is. i am her “safe place” whatever that is. perhaps she calls it that because i dont raise my hand to her, unlike her other man. why would you stay with somebody who physically abuses you? or the bigger picture, why would a man beat a woman? i could never imagine doing that, but then again i never thought i would be the third wheel in a relationship where the woman was cheating on her man.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 13/05/2010

gunshots

i had this odd dream last night. i was walking to work and i got caught in a shootout, gangs vs police. so there i am ducking behind a truck and a clown car of dudes rolls up on me and eight of them get out. so i sit there and wait for the bullet that will wake me up and bam! i wake up, but it was to an actual noise, a gunshot. so i had one of those lets go jump into the bathtub moments when i realize that in my half state of being awake, something didnt seem right. i kept hearing this rifle being shot. i dont live in a bad part of the city, sometimes you hear a gun being fired, but what kind of fool would be using a rifle? so i walk into my living room and somehow my television got turned on and it was on some sort of sniper accuracy contest on the history channel.

death is a scary thing, the more i think about it, the scarier it becomes.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 08/05/2010

talking to a dead man

i spoke to somebody this week who committed suicide within a half hour of me last seeing them. it is not like i did anything, i just said hello to them and they ask a colleague of mine a question and left. actually that situation is pretty normal for me unfortunately, i work in the mental health field and can remember most of the fifty to sixty people that have died while i have been working there.

but the vast majority have been due to sudden illness or some awful rare disease, not suicide. this one is a bit weird for me because i actually spoke to them that day. but the show must go on, just file the report, collect the newspaper articles and pass it on to corporate. next week is a new week. we dont really even seem to stop and think about it anymore, which is a bit sad. but i guess we need to focus on the people in front of us, who knows if it even phases them anymore. there will be no memorial, no moment of silence, no grief counselors, i doubt anybody will go to the funeral.

work can be a depressing place if you think about it, i try not to. it is one area of my life that i can actually control myself and my emotions. i can honestly say that i dont bring any baggage  home. a bunch of us had planned to go out after work, even before we found out that someone committed suicide, the subject of their death was only brought up once, and that was to inform some people who did not know because they left early. an awful thing happened and it didnt even really warrant discussion. is that a good or a bad thing? it isnt the fact that i didnt talk about it that bothers me, it is the fact that i didnt really care enough to do so that bothers me.

i guess that is a bit cold, but you cant get attached to anything, just in case things like that happen. i just wish that i could transfer that to other areas of my life. it is not like i want to become the emotionless robot, it amazes me that i have such self control in some areas, but in other areas everything goes out the window. i need to work harder on myself, i just dont really know how. it is ironic that i work with twenty mental health professionals and i am the one desperately in need of their help. i wonder if anybody has ever noticed, i honestly hope not. it is not that i dont want to be helped, it would just be weird.

i got to watch out when i ask questions. you remember when you were a kid and you broke something and you went to your parents and asked “what happened if i broke a window?” and they would immediately run around the house checking the windows to see which one you broke. i need to wait for a opportunity to arise with a patient to ask a question, so it appears i am trying to learn about something, not secretly asking a question about myself.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 06/05/2010

next day

well that sucked, i hate going to work hung over. so mom is fine, sort of. other than the fact it looks like my dad beat her with a wrench. it amazes me how she managed to fall entirely on her face. ouch

i dont really regret going immediately to the bottle, but i guess that is a problem. i did consider removing that last post, but i guess it is important for me to remind myself of what makes me tick. perhaps it was better for me to get drunk and write down my thoughts, perhaps next time something bad happens i will just write things down. i doubt it, but you never know. i should go back and edit one curse word out, i dont swear that often and i want to keep this a bit pleasant.

i just solved a great mystery also. when i awoke from my drunken slumber, my mouth was a bit burned. i didnt figure it out until later on in the night when i saw a cup of instant soup in the garbage. i dont remember doing that, and who drinks soup while intoxicated? that seems like an odd choice. i wouldnt call it a blacking out, but there are some times where i dont remember what i have done. i hate that feeling when i look at some pictures of myself and cant remember doing the things that i obviously did. perhaps i need to strap a camera to my head.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 05/05/2010

definately drunk

this is a first, i know i am only like ten posts into this, but i am fully intoxicated right now and knew i had to express myself. long story short my house flooded and i temporary moved back with my relativesbecause it knocked out my boiler among other things. anywys while i was up here on the great interweb i heard this thunderous thud and went to investigatew. there i find my mother at the bottom of the stairs in a heap moaning, i was so frightened i nearly fell down the stairs because i wanteded to get down as soon as i could. she fell right down the stairs in the dark, it is not like she is senile or unstable or something. what a devistating thing to see her down there all alone one the carpet, my father didnt even wake up to the noise of her falling. what would have happened if i wasnt home?? would shr have laid ther all nifght?

i did what i could and we decided she needed to go to the ER because she struck her head on somethign. got her loaded in the car and watched them drive away. do you remember when you were a kid and you waived goodbye to somebody as they drove away that you didnt carwe about? thayt was my waive, not that i didnt care, i was so preoccupied in myself that it didnt regiser what i should be doing. i dont know if i internalize things, but i almost feel that i am at fault for something that caused her to fall. i am not sir issac newton, i diont invent gravity. her   pain became my pain. god help me i did the thnig i dint want to, go to my vehicle and grab a bottle of rum and start drinking.

question iswhy do i have a bottle of alcohol at the ready in my vehicle? right now there is a six pack of beers and a forty in the back seat and a bottle of rum in my trunk (not anymore(. you would have thought i had planned this, here i am, my poor mother at the local hospital, and i am sitting here drunk trping annoomously on some blog that nobody will read .

/i dont even know what to do at this point,

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 04/05/2010

moonwalker

i almost hit some guy on my way home today. i could totally see him as i drove down the road, but suddenly he began dancing in the middle of the street. at first i thought he was having a seizure or some sort of medical problem, but i realized that he was not when he began doing the moonwalk right into my lane. he was trying to impress a group of people on the sidewalk. luckily i missed him, it just amazes me how careless some people are with their own lives.

i guess you could say that about myself, i havent made great decisions recently.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 02/05/2010

Roy G Biv

i guess like a typical man, i am terrible with matching colors, so i usually get somebody (usually a female) to help me out when buying things. mom was available so i took her shopping for a new bedroom set. in typical fashion i could not find anything that she saw as appropriate, and i could tell she was getting aggravated. she didnt realize what she was saying, but i thought it was hilarious when she said that i should take “the woman” (still working on that fake name) out and she should help me pick it out instead. great idea mom, take the woman i want to roll around in the sheets with to buy them in the first place, i should have thought of that myself.

ill have to tell my friend that when i see her, she will find it amusing. come to think of it we dont really talk so much anymore by phone or text or anything. i would talk to her for hours on end almost every night for months. it is not like it was a decision made, we just drifted apart a couple of months ago. i know i still hold a torch for her, she still does to for me. it is comforting yet disappointing in a way. i just wish things worked out like they do in the movies, guy meets girl, guy overcomes challenges, they ride off into the sunset. everything else be dammed, there should be sequels which showed how messed up everything is two months later like in normal life.

i made a promise to her that i would move on and start seeing other people blah blah blah. easy to say, but it is hard to do when you are desperately in love with somebody. i try not to think about it, but that usually makes it worse. there are nights when i have to drink a couple beers just to calm myself down enough to go to sleep. it is not the best solution, but it is a solution. i find myself doing that quite often, i know it is not a good coping mechanism but i feel it is necessary for me right now to stop myself from thinking to much. i need to learn how to handle this and move on properly.

i think the worst time i had with everything was on valentines day the network G4 had this marathon of a show called cheaters. the show is self explanatory, the thing that killed me the most is watching the reactions of the loved ones when they found out that their wife/girlfriend/husband was cheating on them. it was the kind of show i never watch, but i felt the need to punish myself that day. to know that i have or could put somebody through that is an awful thing to feel.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 01/05/2010

Late for work

i was almost late for work this morning. i have a very strong work ethic, so i do take being even a minute very seriously. i leave a half hour before i need to be at work, which is only five miles away.

there was this documentary styled program on history international (i think) about these two jews who escaped from a concentration camp and fled to austria, but when they got there, nobody believed them when they spoke about the atrocities occurring.  i was just captivated and stopped watching the time and left fifteen to twenty minutes late. luckily i always leave so early and my commute is only twelve minutes, i cut it close but i was not late.  and yes i can be that specific on the time.

i dont really watch that much television, i guess a few hours a day. then again i guess you could say that is alot, but i spend way more of my free time on the computer. sometimes i will keep the television on in the background as i watch a DVD, and i usually fall asleep to it on. i used to listen to the radio to fall asleep, but i would start to sing songs and keep myself awake doing so. i would rather have something on that you cant predict what will happen so you can just let your mind slip away.

Posted by: theanonymousblog00 | 30/04/2010

Scared

i was surfing like i do every evening, and i came across a comments section of an article that i was reading and it said that i was logged in under my blog name. it scared the crap out of me and i quickly came back here and logged out, i never log out of things. can this blog  truly be anonymous? am i doomed to be discovered?

i would prefer that nobody knows who i am, i feel that i can write more freely how i feel about things. that is why i am so vague about things and post no real details. but what happens if people i know find out about this? i dont necessarily think it will be a bad thing, some of my close friends know some information, or how i feel. but i guess i need to be more worried that the people i have hurt may come across this.

perhaps subconsciously i want to be found out so i can stop hiding and sneaking around. actually it reminds me of the time i had asked the woman (perhaps i need to create a fake name for my female friend since i will talk about her often) if she had ever thought of telling her partner about us. she said he would probably kill the both of us, which sounds like a typical response. he already smacks her around, i dont know him all that well, but i doubt it. i really do worry about her sometimes, i dunno, i guess i just want to be that knight in shining armor for her.

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